THE GUEST HOUSE – Sue Stevens Chambers
Ever since our election over a year ago, I have been listening. I have been hearing conflict, and listening to people on the media, people in my life talk about all the problems we face. Is the conflict higher because of the climate the media has introduced? I don’t know. But I do know I need to start at ground level, that which is around me, and recognize that conflict exists.
Theodore Rubin stated “The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.”
“This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival”, Rumi tells us, asking us to accept what is. “Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond”
Deidre Combs starts her book on “THE WAY OF CONFLICT” as follows:
I have heard conflict and problems on a international scale, certainly each night in the media on a national level. Our own state has broiled as is reported on radio and in the newspaper, there are reports of our local city council meetings generating hot sparks. In my work as a mediator, I hear conflict. I have heard unkind words in these hallways of our UU home. I have been a part of them in my neighbors/relatives homes as we gather to take a meal together, they occur in my own home. The other day someone I love had a bad day, and in their frustration little toads jumped out of their mouth.
Now let us imagine for a minute that my life is a movie, and I am a movie camera. That allows me to slow down the sound and actions of what is occurring, and actually freeze my response before I make it. How much better for the interaction to follow if we could push the pause button.
Conflict is going to happen. Problems are predictable. What I must learn is what is a way to address the conflict in a productive way. I could respond with my own toads, pour out my anger and escalated the fires. I could turn away and let my own hurt and frustration boil inside of me, shoved down and pretending it is something I can ignore.
Or I could try what Rumi advises: The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.”
This is my movie camera magic: to rewind the situation and look closely at the words of the conflict and try to see them, using my sense of UU values that I have recognized as holding a special truth for me. This includes trying to see “the inherent worth and dignity of every person”. this includes not just those I love or respect, but those who are what I consider a “problem”. For example, an easy target–The Donald Trump’s of my life.
Rumi advises not only recognizing the troublesome conflict—“the dark thought, the shame, the malice” but tells us to “meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.”
A first step is to recognize what is, to remain in the present moment, and recognize that the moment is sometimes unacceptable, unpleasant. It is as it is, Eckhart Tolle reminds us. We want to label it, with our thoughts, instead of letting it be. Allowing the present moment to be what is is, gives, Eckhart Tolle tells us, a taste of the state of inner freedom from external conditions, the state of true inner peace.
Tolle tells us to watch the mechanics of our mind, see what happens and take action if necessary or possible. He says ” Accept–then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy.” (Page 35, 36, The Power of Now) His words are a strong echo of Rumi’s poem.
Now let us take that movie moment and flash forward to the very second our own toads are about to tumble out. Focus in our hymnal, #123 –again another value encompassed in our 7 principles–The UU hymn that we use as a major guide: Spirit of Life, come on to me. sing in my heart, all the stirrings of compassion”
Before speaking, we want to be aware of our underlying motivations. We start, by keeping values in our heart: which Deidre Combs calls the principles of centered communication.
These values are to:
- Act from truth. Be honest.
- Act without a why: Be detached from reward or punishment
- Act from the largest possible perspective: Include rather than separate
- Act with acceptance and curiosity: Cultivate courage.
Let me explore each of these in turn.
1. Act from truth:–“all conflict poses a question and in this final phase we answer it. Sometimes it is a simple answer that does not greatly affect our lives. Other times we are presented with a question, and our responses determine our life paths. Martin Luther King Jr. was asked to lead the Montgomery bus boycott. In his affirmative answer, his life and ours were transformed as he led American farther out of segregation and discrimination.” (Combs, page 191). Martin Luther King Jr. equates the power of forgiveness with the power to move away from hate.
Combs reminds us “Truth is revealing and thus can be terrifying. When we know what must be said, we often wish we could forget. But we must act. Truth has a way of getting out…. Internally, a truth will eventually dog us until we give voice to it. It creates sleepless nights. It catches us off guard as it flies out of our mouths when we are angry or tired. Unfortunately, because of the inner conflict it might have to maneuver around, it can often come out garbled and subject to misinterpretation. When we consciously own and communicate the truth, it causes less damage and carries much more power. Truth is not static, it is simply what we deeply know today. It is a partial and hopefully growing picture of reality that is being asked to be shared.” Combs 192. When talking about what you believe to be true, it is best to begin with “I”. For example, “I believe what you say is unfair”
The first step to centered communication is practicing the following: Trust your heart and stand by it. Speak openly and directly with the person whom you are in conflict. Take control of where and when you speak..consciously chose when, where, and with whom you share it.
- Act without a why. One communication trap is to expect a certain outcome. Christian mystic Meister Echkhart constantly advised “work without a why” This is the tenet of detachment, letting go. As MLK JR said, He who is without the power to forgive is devoid of love. Detach from expected outcomes. Without the need to control the outcome, we can more quickly reach resolution and stability. Practice the following when you first are confronted with a toad that hurts or angers you: internally ask yourself “Is this true?” Listen to your body response. Let the question slow you down enough to be aware of the content of the statement. Commit to act if your body responds with a clear yes. Then ask “will this be true if everyone here disagrees or responds negatively to what I express?” Check your body response, are you focused on a particular outcome? Do you need group approval? if you are focused on an outcome, you have not arrived at the truth and it is not time to act, but to reflect. Finally ask, Will I feel incomplete if I don’t say this? Will I need to say this to someone else later? The last question reminds us that certain information must be shared and that we must act when called to do so.
We are working for a free and responsible search for truth and meaning as we covenanted when accepting our principles, if we practice our response.
- Act from the largest possible perspective: Language is full of assumptions and filters…hidden in the words. Our assumptions influence every conversation–it is our responsibility to check out assumptions. Question what you hear. Make sure you understand what the problem is. Practice: watching words that contain hooks: God, spirit, enemy, republican, democrat, good bad, evil. To make sure your proposed solution is inclusive and lasting, strive to understand what those images and emotions are for each individual involved in the conflict. By speaking directly, you are able to come to a more lasting understanding of the other’s viewpoint.
“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.” – Mahatma Gandhi
(Joseph Ranseth) Gandhi’s power came from this inner work. When asked by a reporter “what his secret was” to gain such power over the ruling British empire, he responded: “I try to make myself zero.” He was referring to develop such a selfless love that each thought, word and deed was motivated for the welfare and well-being of others, and not for his own gratification. Gandhi was able to have as broad of reach as he did because he went as deep as he did. He had purified himself so that he was motivated by love for others… One does not arrive here without a significant amount of inner work, but it is also requisite to creating a change of that scale. We can’t create lasting change by teaching precept alone, but by embodying the precepts. There is no more important work one can undertake than to raise human consciousness, and to do so requires us to start within.
- Act with acceptance and curiosity. Practice prayerfulness before communication by silently reciting a phrase, poem or chant. Maybe it is Rumi, maybe it is Eckhart Tolle’s “It is as it is”. I like the chant, “When I breath in, I breath in peace, when I breath out, I breath out love”
Now the movie continues on, building to a possible tragic or happy conclusion. Tolle reminds us that relationships reflect the deep state of crisis in which humanity finds itself. Those who are not able to stay present, be rooted in Being, turn into a source of pain and become dominated by problems and conflict. “However,” Tolle reminds us “every crisis represents not only danger but also opportunity. ..why not accept this fact…the opportunity that is concealed within every crisis does not manifest until all the facts of any given situation are acknowledged and fully accepted. As long as you deny them, along as you try to escape from them or wish things were different, the window of opportunity does not open up. ..with acknowledgement and acceptances of the facts comes a degree of freedom from them..when you know you are not at peace, your knowing creates a still space that surrounds your nonpeace into peace.. You have created a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.
This may sound simplistic, but when you are in the middle of hot words of pain and anger, surrounded by conflict, there is a large temptation to answer back with similar words. Most likely you do not intend it, but the spewing does the damage. The much harder path is to let the words flow through you without responding to them. It is a hard lesson and takes a lot of practice. Listening when our President is speaking, pausing and taking a moment to listen to what is intended if the anger and pain are removed. It is not easy, always. And it does not mean you ignore what is said. Instead, you act intentionally, as Deidre Combs instructed. It is not easy, but the results can be significant. It is what Gandhi means when he said he becomes zero. And Gandhi changed a nation. It is what MLK Jr. means when he speaks of the power of forgiveness as a tool towards moving away from hate. He changed our country’s attitude toward segregation.
So the next time hot words enter your life, let the movie rewind. Go back to the beginning when the first toad has spilled out. “When someone criticizes you, blames you, or calls you names, instead of immediately retaliating or defending yourself–do nothing.. Allow the self-image to remain diminished and become alert to what that feels like deep inside you…you may sense an inner spaciousness that feels intensely alive. You haven’t been diminished at all. In fact, you have expanded….through becoming less, you become more.” Tolle.
Let the movie end with stillness. When the toads drop, let them drop. Make a deliberate pause before you respond. When you respond, practice acting from what is true for you. Act without a why: be detached from reward or punishment. Act from the largest possible perspective. Act with acceptance and curiosity and as Rumi instructs, “be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.”
Readings
“We but mirror the world. All the tendencies present in the outer world are to be found in the world of our body. If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. This is the divine mystery supreme. A wonderful thing it is and the source of our happiness. We need not wait to see what others do.” – Mahatma Gandhi
“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” Martin Luther King, Jr.